Dulcis Infernis

Most To Least Funniest Signs (Don’t Get Offended)

funastrology:

Sagittarius/Gemini
Aquarius
Leo
Scorpio (Dark Humor)
Aries
Libra
Taurus
Cancer
Virgo
Pisces
Capricorn

u HEAR THAT MOTHEFRICKERS IM HILARIOUS

yam and habanero spirit

spongeofmalphas:

I used a fork to poke holes in the yam before I baked it. I noticed that the yam still had a spirit and the poking roused the little fucker. The spirit started wriggling out of the physical yam so I grabbed the yam and tried to euthanize the little shit. I like my food to be dead, feel weird about baking a self-aware spirit to death. (I usually euthanize by the crushing the spirit/making it fade out.) Fucker was resisting, pushing back against my CRUSH. Malphas walked over and yanked the spirit out of the physical yam. Fucking yam spirit had already sprouted spirit sprouts. -________-

Yam spirit is wriggling around Malphas, I think he showed it, its cooked body after I ate it.

I think Malphas is going to plant the little shit somewhere. I ended up learning how to euthanize tuber spirits after I got potatos last month and the fucking potatos started sprouting. If it’s sprouting its still alive, if its physically alive, it has a spirit. Again, I like my food to be dead. But euthanizing that time was easy, no resistance, its consciousness faded out. Withdrew into non-awareness. 

I also bought a habanero plant last week. Weird little shit that evolved an animal like mindset. The bf picked it out from Home Depot because it seemed the healthiest plant out of the bunch.

It had an aura of excitement and happiness as I brought it home. Weird but still normal for plant spirits. 99 percent of plant spirits that I know are just like physical plants. They don’t understand moving around and all they want to do is soak up water and sunlight, and get bitchy if you get in the way of their sun. So I don’t talk to them telepathically. I don’t understand plant mentalities and they don’t understand animal mentalities. Cool, whatever. I yell at them to grow. 

Fucking habanero plant, I named Fire Anus. My lucky bamboo is named The Rectums. So Fire Anus’s spirit decided to watch me and my animal body moving around. Two days ago, the plant decided to leave its body/astral project into a weird brown bulbasaur like creature with the habanero plant sprouting out of its back.

WTF IS THIS SHIT.

so fire anus’s animal body had the texture and coloring that reminded me of ginger roots. legs resembled ginger roots. it started to nubble its way out of the pot, so Malphas picked it up and brought it to the car with us. Fire Anus wanted to play with all the other baby spirits so it mimicked their form.

Went to gym with boyfriend to become muscle wizard. Fire anus decided to work out on the step thingies, by hopping on and off it. It wanted to be more agile. Some of Malphas’ larvae like to crawl around on the treadmills and elliptical machines as my boyfriend uses it. 

Closest thing I’ve seen to Fire Anus, is these little root people. My spirit vision interprets them as vaguely humanoid critters with root texture skin. Think of walking ginger roots. My herb plants have two small ones living in the pot. Malphas claims these plant keepers help plant spirits by regulating the root spirit growth and guiding the roots to nutrition. Born out of plant matter decomposing alongside animal matter.

minki-minx → Geep in German: Schiege. Sch- from Schaf (sheep) and -iege from Ziege (goat).

magickandcrack:

Lammas (Lughnasadh)
August 1st

Lammas, also known as Lughnasadh, (I choose to say Lammas because that’s easier to say haha), is the “cross-quarter” day marking the first harvest of early grain, where the first loaf of the bread from the harvest is broken and shared in the name of the Goddess. It is the sabbath that marks the end of summer where grains are harvested and stored for the cold months to come. All crops associated with grain and of the season are sacred to this time. It is a time to reflect on the successes of the year and to reward yourself for jobs well done.
Lammas magic can be magic of facing up to change. The God gives his energy to the crop to ensure life while the Goddess as Mother prepares to transform into her aspect as the Crone. the God loses his strength as the days grow shorter.

lugh the knight of light MABINOGi

rexuality:

I need to have as much wild sex as possible so one day I can become an inappropriate old lady that blurts out things like “when I was your age I got a concussion after being bent over a desk” and then my family can be like “grandma please, you’re making easter dinner really uncomfortable” and it’ll be great

Anonymous → IS THAT BUG ON THE WATERMELON FUCKIN REAL

iguanamouth:

aha hell yeah it is ! im fairly certain its the japanese rhinocerous beetle, otherwise known as the insect that heracross was based off of

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they start off and in fact live most of their lives underground as this little frog eye lookin pupae for about a year, and then emerge as very formidable looking bugs for four months

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in the wild the males use their large horns to fight over territories and access to sugary saps and food supplies - two of them will square off, and the strongest will eventually flip the opponent into the air or onto their back

in fact this behaviour has led to a pretty interesting gambling game in areas of japan, where bets are placed on two beetles that are then pitted against each other. sounds like something id love to see. beetle wrestling, sign me the heck up

image

in japanese their names are kabutomushi, or helmet bug, thus named because their horns resemble little samurai helmets, and they can get up to two inches in length, not including their battle spike

although they look big, theyre not even close the the largest species of rhinocerous beetle, the HERCULES BEETLE, which can get up to SIX inches in length and lives mostly in the rainforests of central and south america

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theyre all great and very much real

Probably the most famous of all magical beasts, dragons are among the most difficult to hide. The female is generally larger and more aggressive than the male, though neither should be approached by any but highly skilled and trained wizards. Dragon hide, blood, heart, liver, and horn have highly magical properties, but dragon eggs are defined as Class A Non-Tradeable Goods. There are ten breeds of dragon, though these have been known to interbreed on occasion, producing rare hybrids. Pure-bred dragons are as follows… 

katara:

craigtucker-futhermucker:

animalics:

Guinea Pigs are natural swimmers, but have to be introduced to the water slowly so they don’t panic

HNNNNGGG

"so they don’t panic"
The life of a Guinea Pig is 200% panic 

i-do-what-i-want-bitch:

"You’ve always done the job. Never messed up. Look where it’s got you. In a good place. Well, you’ve got me chained up your dungeon you kinky girl."

tin-pan-ali:

Nobody asked but if you ever wanted to know what my favorite exchange in a romance novel was, it’s this.
Anonymous → Can you tell me the different kinds of witch and the characteristics of each? I'm attracted and drawn to many, and I practice many different types of witchcraft.

witchy-business:

Before I dig in, it’s important to note that for many witches these “different” kinds of witchcraft overlap. Don’t stress, don’t limit yourself. Focus is good, but don’t feel like you have to exclude things from your craft just because others do. Conversely, don’t feel like you have to include things in your craft because others do. Explore whatever feels right to you. It’s also important to note that there can be no definitive list about witches, and this post is only one witch’s best effort.

Secular Witch: a witch who is non-religious, though most likely spiritual with their craft
Polytheistic Witch: a witch who believes in multiple gods/goddesses, includes Wiccans
Monotheistic Witch: a witch who believes in one god; includes Abrahamic Witches
Atheistic Witch: a witch who does not believe in god, though is most likely spiritual with their craft
Spell caster - a witch who casts spells. Individual spell theories vary. here’s some systems of magic
Nature Witch/Green Witch- A witch whose craft centers around the natural world and its cycles.
Hedge Witch: a witch whose craft centers around other worlds or realms and their exploration. The term “hedge” signified the boundary of the village and represents the boundary that exists between this world and the spiritual realm.
Kitchen Witch: a witch whose craft centers around cooking, baking, etc.
Cottage Witch: a witch whose craft centers around the home/hearth. May include Kitchen Witch components, as well as any endeavors to make the home a secure, sacred space.
Storm Witch: a witch whose craft centers around storm cycles.
Sea Witch: a witch whose craft centers around the ocean and the shore.(This is the part of the list where you can sub in any kind of nature word before witch — Forest Witch, Desert Witch, etc.)

Now for some supplements to my little list, via thebluechicory:

Ceremonial Witch: One who combines both the practices of witchcraft and ceremonial magic. They may use a combination of disciplines drawn from tradition, but will often employ more scientific precisions such as sacred mathematics and quantum mysticism as well. They will also call upon an eclectic blend of spiritual entities, leaning towards archetypal figures representative of the energies they wish to manifest.

Eclectic Witch: An individual approach in which the witch picks and chooses from many different traditions and creates a personalized form of witchcraft that meets their individual needs and abilities. They do not follow a particular religion or tradition, but study and learn from many different systems and use what works best for them.

Faery Witch: A witch who seeks to commune with faery folk and nature spirits in their magick workings.

Hereditary Witch: Also known as a Family Tradition Witch, it is someone who has been taught a tradition passed down through the generations of their family.

Solitary Witch (Solitaire): This is one who practices alone, without a coven and without following any particular tradition.
And for a few supplements from this post:
Urban Witch: This kind of witch is one that works well in a city setting. The supplies this witch uses may differ from the ‘traditional’ tools, replacing them with more easily accessible, store-bought things. (No need for bones here.)
Pop-Culture Witch: Pop-Culture witches use pop culture imagery in their craft. This may include the worship or veneration of celebrities, comic book characters, writers, etc.

Plus some distinctions between diviners, from this post:

  • Augurer - Someone who receives and interprets omens.
  • Seer - A person who can see things that others can’t. This can refer to the future, spirits, yadda yadda. It’s specifically to do with visions.
  • Clair(…) - Clairvoyant, clairaudient, clairsentient, and so on. Someone who can see, hear, know, feel, taste, smell things not of this world, usually spirit-related. Less a diviner than a psychic.
  • Soothsayer - A truth teller. The common belief is that a soothsayer tells you the inevitable truth, not the changeable truth. Sort of an “This is what’s going to happen, regardless of what you do about it” thing.
  • Fortune Teller - This is applied to basically anyone who divines (usually for money). regardless of the tools they use.
  • Prognosticator - Someone who divines based on omens and signs, without tools.

There are other things too that are not strictly divination that fall more into communication. Like:

  • Necromancer - Medium. Spirit worker. Spirit whisperer. This can refer to someone who communicates with spirits as a form of divination, but they can also be used for other practices.
  • Prophet - This is someone who speaks with a god or gods and delivers messages. The messages come from the god. They’re delivered strictly and exactly. Usually this is done on a public basis.
  • Oracle - Someone who communicates with the divine or otherworldly and delivers messages, however the methods are different from prophets in that an oracle will likely reword or interpret the message themselves. They are also considered very wise on their own and are known to give their advice alongside their messages. The oracle speaks for themselves and chooses their own words under the advise of another source (not necessarily a god always), whereas the prophet speaks delivers messages that they believe to come specifically from one god or group of gods.

Also always keep this post in mind!

acidtripper666:

Mind will be fucked
importantbirds:


human perch, very warm

I like a storytimes human tell such as the story “ples STOP a poop on the floor” an “to WHENCE the glasses gone? ?” 
HAKUNA MA’VODKA
it means no memories, for the rest of the night  (via suchvodka)

hotdog-ouroboros:

thank you, giant cynical owl